MEANS WILL BE MEANS
When it comes to misguided attempts at humor, The Fiver considers itself an authority. After all, they are our stock in trade and we’ve been churning out almost daily attempts at ‘satire’ for over 20 years now, spectacularly failing to read a global room that expects more from its free email at the time of the day. tea than a series of lazy national stereotypes, unimaginative nicknames, and a litany of inscrutable, unfunny jokes that are so old that even we can’t remember why they were originally meant to be funny.
So while we don’t condone the actions of David Moyes in trying (and thankfully failing) to smash one football at a time while squandering the ball boy’s head in West Ham’s semi-final defeat in the Big Vase at the hands of Eintracht Frankfurt, we can understand his frustration towards the end. of a draw in which, almost to a man, his players did not give a good image of themselves. Semi-finals of the Big Vase or any other tournament don’t happen too often for teams like West Ham, so if you’re going to lose one you might as well come out swinging some hay rather than with an uninspired moan.
Speaking about the incident after the match, Moyes was quick to apologize but only managed to make matters worse by trying to crack. “I have to apologize for hitting the ball,” he sighed. “But the ball boy left it short and it was good on the fly for me.” Despite performing in front of comedy’s most generous audience – football journalists who will typically laugh their heads off at any feeble attempt at press conference humor – Moyes’ gag was met with silence. and a tumbleweed, at which point he again apologized without trying to mine. time for ill-advised yucks.
Meanwhile in Scotland, a packed Ibrox roared at Pope’s Newc O’Rangers as they booked their place in the final against Frankfurt, crushing RB Leipzig to go through the odd five from two innings. Decidedly unpopular in Germany, Leipzig are no stranger to the hostile atmospheres of the Bundesliga but there was no answer for the O’Rangers, who dedicated their victory to Jimmy Bell, their kit man of more than 30 years deceased suddenly following the Old Firm derby last Sunday. Clearly upset by the sudden loss of a dressing room morale booster, whose duties went well beyond simply laying out the kit, the players held a minute’s silence, wore black armbands in honor of Bell and spoke of him fondly after the game. “Words can’t describe how much Jimmy meant to all of us,” said John Lundstram, who scored the winner. “He was the foundation of the club and touched everyone. I just want to dedicate my lens to him, I absolutely love him to pieces. May Jimmy rest in peace.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Why did I shed a tear? Because I feel what they all feel. It’s a giant club without a trophy room for the social importance of this club… it’s our [Big Cup]” – José Mourinho explains why Roma’s arrival in the final of Tin Pot, a competition some don’t yet know exists, made him bawl like a toddler.
Get your ears around for the latest Football Weekly Extra. And while we’re at it, Max, Barry and the pod crew are hitting the road again. Tickets for the live shows in June and July are available here – there’s even a new date added in Dublin – so get them.
A New Formation: How Black British Footballers Shaped the Modern Game. Tickets are now available for the live event, featuring Jonathan Liew, Andrew Cole and Hope Powell.
“Dear Fiver. Thank you very much for a very interesting and very often hilarious [eh? – Fiver Ed] newsletter. It is very popular so far in Greenland. I wish I could write something funny (or tragic…) on all the napkins about Gareth Bale’s ‘locker’ seen in the Real Madrid celebrations video” – Janus Chemnitz Kleist.
“In fact, the earth has moved again in Seattle (caption News, Bits and Bobs from yesterday). The stadium’s seismic waves are measured on a special seismometer installed nearby to record the “RaveQuakes” (named after the Sounders’ rave-green kits). I was happy to play my small role in shaking the ground ”- Daniel Stauss.
“Being a pessimistic Scottish fan, the best team score abbreviation (five letters passim) I had hoped to see at a recent World Cup and represent my nation was if Iran and Brunei managed to qualify , they were pulled against each other, and Iran was the first team there. I could take comfort in some way from 24 years of suffering. Other soft drinks are available” – Andy Morrison.
“Has anyone heard of Kenny Shiels on the latest of City’s ‘krazy kwickfire kontinental kollapses’ (yesterday’s Fiver)?” – Peter Rehwaldt.
Send your letters to [email protected] And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our invaluable letter of the day is… Janus Chemnitz Kleist.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Jürgen Klopp has joined groups of Liverpool supporters to question why UEFA only gave away half of the tickets to clubs taking part in the Big Cup finals. Don’t worry, because you can still get some on resale sites, at competitive prices between, uh, £3,275 and £15,499. “Is it fair that we only get 20,000, they get 20,000, 75,000? That’s 35,000, what? Where are these tickets?
Arsenal male manager Mikel Arteta and female counterpart Jonas Eidevall signed their names on new contracts in a sync signing. “We want to take the club to the next level,” barked Arteta.
Mo Salah sharpens his cleats for the Big Cup final against Madrid after picking up his Football Writers’ Male Player of the Year gong. “It’s time for revenge,” he roared. “We lost in the final [in 2018]it was a sad day for all of us.
Sam Kerr of Chelsea, recipient of the FWA Women’s Player of the Year award, is nervous ahead of Sunday’s WSL final. “I’ve been nervous all week,” she yelped ahead of a game against Manchester United they need to win to secure the title. “I want to win so badly.”
And Eddie Howe will have heated discussions with his Newcastle side after Allan Saint-Maximin spoke to French hacks about how his assist stats would be better if his teammates could actually finish. “I’ll try to talk to the guys and make sure there’s no fallout,” Howe said.
WANT EVEN MORE?
Ten things to watch in the Premier League this weekend – some of them big, baby.
‘Hello darkness my old friend’: Barney Ronay on the systemic flaws that led to even more Big Cup woes for Pep’s City.
West Ham fans wanted to know what David Moyes would do to change the game against Eintracht. Kicking the ball off a ballboy, the response wasn’t great, writes Jonathan Liew.
Football must do more to tackle the climate crisis: Barney Weston explains how clubs and fans can help.
And if that’s your thing…you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT TOO!